#48: GOD IS DEAD 🩸

🍖 FOOD - Sarnia man steals 3 roasts from grocery store at drillpoint

🚓 CRIME - Toronto man drugged, robbed after ordering hooker to hotel room

🛒 SHOPPING - Vancouver man arrested after macing Facebook Marketplace sellers and stealing their Pokémon cards

It’s Good Friday.

I wasn’t gunna publish an issue today, but then it struck me that Good Friday is kinda what this newsletter is all about.

48 weeks ago, I decided to report Canada’s weirdest news.

But without the dead Christ, these stories would be nothing more than what they appear to be: stupid, vapid, meaningless.

It is only because Christ came all the way down to us—and went all the way down to Hell—that these stories hold any value besides being a source of cheap, vulgar entertainment.

You may wonder, “Where is Christ in the story of a Toronto man getting drugged and robbed by the hooker he ordered to his hotel room?”

That is open to interpretation. All I’m saying is look for Him. He’s there.

Sorry to disappoint my nihilist readers. I know you got excited when you saw the title of today’s issue.

-Peter

⌛️ Today’s read is 3.5 minutes long.

🎲 WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

▲ 4% chance Christ will return before 2027 (+1% this year).

▼ 41% chance Canada will enter a recession this year (-3% this week).

▲ 77% chance a province schedules a referendum to leave Canada this year (+29% this week).

▲ 96% chance the Liberals have a majority in Parliament by June 30 (+45% this month).

*Odds are based on yes/no betting activity on Polymarket.

A Sarnia man was arrested last Saturday after stealing three roasts from a grocery store and threatening staff with a power drill.

The man entered the store around 4 PM and grabbed the roasts from a meat fridge before carrying them to the seclusion of the diaper aisle, where he shoved them into his backpack.

When staff confronted the man about the meat in his backpack, he “denied having any roasts.”

He then pulled a yellow Dewalt power drill out of his shopping cart and threatened the store employees with it by “activating the drill mechanism several times,” according to police.

“The man demanded that the store staff move away from him,” police said. “He then fled on a bicycle, with the stolen meat items and power drill.”

Police found the man walking on a nearby street and arrested him.

Evan Visser, 25, was out on bail at the time for a previous theft. He was also under a court order not to possess any weapons.

He is charged with robbery, possession of property obtained by crime, fail to comply with release order, and two counts of breaching probation.

Sarnia police say this is their 24th interaction with Visser since April 2025, including 10 arrests and 18 charges.

A Toronto man was drugged and robbed earlier this week by a prostitute that he ordered to his room at the downtown Chelsea Hotel.

Around 3:30 AM on Sunday morning, the man contacted the hooker via a classified ad he found online.

The woman met the man at the hotel on the corner of Yonge and Gerrard Street West and accompanied him up to his room, where police believe she “mixed an unknown substance” into the man’s drink.

After the man became “unwell,” the woman led him out of the hotel and into a black Dodge Durango.

There were two other women in the car. Immediately, the trio set to work breaking into the man’s phone and making “multiple e-transfers to themselves.”

Once the man’s e-transfer limit was reached, they took him to an ATM machine and told him to withdraw more money.

The women then dumped the man at a hotel near University Avenue and Adelaide Street West and fled the scene.

Police have not yet identified any of the three women.

A Vancouver man notorious for sabotaging Facebook Marketplace transactions with bear spray has finally been arrested.

The man’s strategy was simple: message people selling Pokémon cards on Facebook Marketplace, arrange to meet up with them, and then mace them and steal their cards.

“Some of the cards can be worth thousands of dollars,” police said.

The man allegedly did this five times between March 23 and 27.

Police busted the man last Friday after messaging him and arranging to sell him Pokémon cards.

When the man showed up, they arrested him.

In the future, Vancouver Police are encouraging people to meet up for Facebook Marketplace transactions “right outside the front door” of their downtown headquarters.

“It is well-lit and we have monitored security cameras,” say police.